Crazy Public Diary: Beginnings

So, I'm writing a public diary.  Hmm.  Interesting.  Or...not...
Over a year ago a friend encouraged me to begin a blog, so, better late than never, right?
Maybe.

Today I feel so agitated.  I work with kids, so it's alarming when I have zero compassion and want to bite off the heads of innocent bystanders.  Just think what I could do to the non-innocent bystanders!  Of course, I just stuff it all, and only a little bit oozes out onto others.  But, I sure am uncomfortable with how hard and rash I feel inside.

There are a few reasons why: my counselor gave me a homework assignment two weeks ago tonight... write an angry letter to my original perpetrator.

'Perpetrator'...yeah...that's an awful word for an awful thing.  An awful act; or, a series of awful acts.  The series of acts which causes years and years of damage. Especially when a girl doesn't even know the cause but knows she's awfully different from everybody else.

(how many times can one person use the word 'awful' in one sitting?) 

Crimeny.

Another reason why I think I feel agitated is that who I used to be before discovering the truth, the roots, is different than who I am now, and who I am becoming.  I'm not so sure I like the changes.  I'm not as 'nice' as I used to be; nor as patient and understanding.  I don't care for others as deeply as I used to.  It seems my emotions are more erratic.  The more I deal with the 'junk' the more I dip, wallow, then creep or spring back up, only to dip again.   

Every day now, I just want to run away.  Far, far, far away where I can just be alone.  Of course, silly old me follows me every stinkin' place I go, so it's not like I can escape my own dang thinking, my own internal dramas. 

And, another agitation contributor is the very fact that all sorts of 'shoulds' keep knocking at my mind's door, broadcasting how frequently I fail.  Wicked, demon-driven thoughts that pound me farther and farther into the ground just beckon me to look more and more deeply into the dark pit of self. 

I find it interesting the timing of this spell.  Just this weekend I found peace.  More stability and hope and clarity than I've had in quite some time. 

How do I reconcile my dualities?
I earnestly long to be alone, and yet I feel so dissatisfied with my alone-ness.
I long for this gnarly, accusing finger to stop wagging in my face, while I point it's look-alike at others.
I shy away from speaking from my heart to most people I know, but inside I am screaming and writhing.

The ugliness of this letter scares me.  It's not like I'm going to give it to him.  My counselor did say, however, that I need to tell him why I'm avoiding him.  Even though I don't have to go into detail...at least, not yet...I'm supposed to actually verbalize to him that I am purposefully avoiding one on one contact with him because of how difficult it is for me to deal with the reality and the ramifications of something he did over 20 years ago.  Verbalize why I'm avoiding, as well as begin my letter...Holy crap...

Oh, my goodness...where's the nearest hole where I can jump in and cover up?

No...it's time to STOP covering up.  Twenty plus years of covering up is quite enough. 

Where do I find courage for this???